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Bdelycleon
[760] Come, father, in the name of the gods, believe me!

Philocleon
Believe you! Ask me anything, anything, except one.

Bdelycleon
What is it? Let us hear.

Philocleon
Not to judge any more! Before I consent, I shall have appeared before Pluto.

Bdelycleon
Very well then, since you find so much pleasure in it, [765] go down there no more, but stay here and deal out justice to your slaves.

Philocleon
But what is there to judge? Are you mad?

Bdelycleon
Everything as in a tribunal. If a servant opens a door secretly, you inflict upon him a simple fine; [770] that's what you have repeatedly done down there. Everything can be arranged to suit you. If it is warm in the morning, you can judge in the sunlight; if it is snowing, then seated at your fire; if it rains, you go indoors; and if you don't rise till noon, [775] there will be no Thesmothetes to exclude you from the precincts.

Philocleon
The notion pleases me.

Bdelycleon
Moreover, if a pleader is long-winded, you will not be hungering and chafing and seeking vengeance on the accused.

Philocleon
[780] But could I judge as well with my mouth full?

Bdelycleon
Much better. Is it not said, that the dicasts, when deceived by lying witnesses, have need to ruminate well in order to arrive at the truth?

Philocleon
[785] Well said, but you have not told me yet who will pay my salary.

Bdelycleon
I will.

Philocleon
So much the better; in this way I shall be paid by myself. Because that damned jester, Lysistratus, played me an infamous trick the other day. He received a drachma for the two of us and went on the fish-market to get it changed [790] and then brought me back three mullet scales. I took them for obols and crammed them into my mouth; but the smell choked me and I quickly spat them out. So I dragged him before the court.

Bdelycleon
And what did he say to that?

Philocleon
Well, he pretended I had the stomach of a cock. [795] "You have soon digested the money," he said with a laugh.

Bdelycleon
You see, that is yet another advantage.

Philocleon
And no small one either. Come, do as you will.

Bdelycleon
Wait! I will bring everything here.

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