CDXXXIX (A XI, 24)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
BRUNDISIUM, 6 AUGUST
What you said some time ago in a letter to me,
and about me to Tullia—with a view of
its reaching me also— feel to be true.
It adds to my misery, though I thought no addition
possible, that, when most flagrantly wronged, I
cannot with impunity shew, not only any anger, but
even vexation. Let me, therefore, put up with
that. But when I have swallowed it, I shall yet
have to endure the very things which you warn me
to be on my guard against. For the blunder I have
committed is such, that, whatever the final
settlement and the sentiments of the people may
be, its result seems likely to be the same.
IHere I take the pen into
my own hands; for what follows must be treated
more confidentially. See, I beg you, even now to
the will, which was made at the time when she
began to be in difficulties. She did not trouble
you, for she never asked you even a question, nor
me either. But assuming this to be the case, you
will be able—as you have now got to the
point of speaking about it—to suggest to
her to deposit it with some one, whose position is
not affected by the result of this
war. For my part, I should prefer you to
everybody, if she agreed in wishing it. But the
fact is, I keep the poor woman in the dark as to
this particular fear of mine. 1
IAbout my other
suggestion, 2 I know, of course, that nothing can be
sold at present: but they might be stowed away and
concealed, so as to be out of reach of the
impending crash. For as to what you say about my
fortune and yours being at Tullia's
service—I have no doubt as to yours, but
what can there be of mine? IAgain, about Terentia—I omit
innumerable other points—what can go
beyond this? You wrote to her to send me a bill of
twelve sestertia (about £94), saying
that that was the balance of the money. She sent
me ten, with a note declaring that to be the
balance. When she has deducted such a petty sum
from so trifling a total, you can feel pretty sure
what she has done in the case of a very large
transaction. Philotimus not only does not come
himself, but does not inform me even by letter or
messenger what he has done. People coming from
Ephesus bring word that they saw him there going
into court on some private suits of his own, which
are themselves perhaps—for so it seems
likely—being postponed till the arrival
of Caesar. Accordingly, I presume either that he
has nothing which he considers that there need be
any hurry about conveying to me, or that I am such
an object of contempt in my misfortunes, that,
even if he has anything, he does not trouble
himself about conveying it until he has settled
all his own concerns. This annoys me very much,
but not so much as I think it ought. For I
consider that nothing matters less to me than the
nature of any communication from that quarter. I
feel sure you understand why I say that. You
advise me to accommodate my looks and words to the
circumstances of the time. It is difficult to do
so, yet I would have put that restraint upon
myself, had I thought that it was of any
importance to me. IYou say
that you think that the African affair may be patched up. I wish you had told me why
you think so: for my part, nothing occurs to my
mind to make me think it possible. However, pray
write and tell me if there is anything to suggest
any consolation: but if, as I am clear, there is
nothing of that nature, write and tell me even
that fact. I, on my side, will write you word of
anything which reaches me first. Good-bye.
6 August.
BRUNDISIUM, 6 AUGUST