DXLVIII (A XII, 18)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
ASTURA (11 MARCH)
To fly from recollections, which make my soul
smart as though it were stung, I take refuge in
recalling my plans to your memory. Pray pardon me,
whatever you think of this one. The fact is that I
find that some of the authors, whom I am now
continually reading, suggest as a proper thing to
do just what I have often discussed with you, and
for which I desire your approval. I mean about the
shrine-pray think of it as earnestly as your
affection for me should suggest. 1 About the design I do
not feel any doubt, for I like that of Cluatius,
nor about the building of it at all—for
to that I have made up my mind: but about the site
I do sometimes hesitate. Pray therefore think over
it. To the fullest capacity of such an enlightened
age, I am quite resolved to consecrate her memory
by every kind of memorial borrowed from the genius
of every kind of artist, Greek or Latin. This may
perhaps serve to irritate my wound: but I look
upon myself as now bound by a kind of vow and
promise. And the infinite time during which I
shall be non-existent has more influence on me
than this brief life, which yet to me seems only
too long. For though I have tried every expedient,
I find nothing to give me peace of mind. For even
when I was composing that essay, of which I wrote
to you before, I was in a way nursing my sorrow.
Now I reject every consolation, and find nothing
more endurable than solitude, which Philippus did
not, as I feared, disturb. For after calling on me
yesterday, he started at once for Rome. The letter
which, in accordance with your advice, I have
written to Brutus I herewith send you. Please see
it delivered to him with your own. However, I am
sending you a copy of it, in order
that, if you disapprove, you should not send it.
You say my domestic affairs are being managed
properly: please tell me what they are. For there
are some points on which I am expecting to hear.
See that Cocceius does not play me false. For
Libo's promise, mentioned by Eros in his letter, I
regard as secure. As to my capital, I trust
Sulpicius, and, of course, Egnatius. About
Appuleius why need you trouble yourself, when my
excuse is so easily made? Your coming to me, as
you shew an intention of doing, may, I fear, be
difficult for you. It is a long journey, and when
you went away again, which you will perhaps have
to do very quickly, I should be unable to let you
go without great pain. But all as you choose.
Whatever you do will in my eyes be right, and done
also in my interest.
ASTURA (11 MARCH)