CCCLXXXIX (F V, 19)
TO L. MESCINIUS RUFUS
CUMAE, APRIL (END)
Though I never doubted your great affection
for me, yet I learn it better every day of my
life, and I never forget what you once said in a
letter, that you would be more zealous in shewing
me attention than you had been in the province
(though, to my mind, nothing could exceed your
loyalty in the province), in
proportion as your judgment could now be more
independent. Accordingly, your former letter gave
me great pleasure, because it shewed me that my
arrival was affectionately looked forward to by
you, and that, when things turned out differently
from what you had expected, you were greatly
rejoiced at the line I took. So, also, this last
letter is extremely valuable to me from the
expression at once of your judgment and your
affection: of your judgment, because I learn that,
as all gallant and good men are bound to do, you
hold nothing to be expedient except what is right
and virtuous; of your affection, because you
promise to stand by me, whatever course of policy
I shall adopt. Nothing could be more gratifying to
me, nor, as I think, more honourable to yourself.
My own course has long been decided. I have not
written to tell you of it before, not because you
were one to be kept in the dark, but because the
communication of a policy at such a time seems in
a certain sense to be an exhortation to duty, or
rather a summons to share in either danger or
labour. Seeing, however, that your goodwill,
kindness, and affection for me are what they are,
I gladly embrace such a heart. But I do so on this
condition, for I will not abandon my habitual
modesty in asking favours: if you do what you
profess, I shall be grateful; if not, I shall
pardon you, and consider that you were unable to
deny the latter to your fears, the former to me.
For it is in sober earnest an extremely difficult
case. The right thing to do is clear: as to the
expedient thing, though it is obscure, yet, if we
are the men we ought to be, that is, worthy of our
philosophical studies, we cannot entertain a doubt
that the most advantageous course is the course of
strictest honour. Wherefore, if you determine to
join me, come at once. But if you wish to act with
me and to go to the same place, but cannot do so
just yet, I will keep you fully informed on every
point. Whichever way you decide I shall look upon
you as my friend, but as the closest possible
friend if you decide on the course which I desire.
CUMAE, APRIL (END)