CDLVI (F V, 21)
TO L. MESCINIUS RUFUS
ROME, APRIL
1
I was gratified by your letter which told me,
what I thought to be the case even without any
letter, that you were inspired with a very eager
desire to see me. I gladly accept the compliment,
but I do not yield to you in the strength 9f the
wish: for may I have all my heart's desire, as I
ardently long to be with you! Even at the time
when I had a greater wealth of good citizens,
agreeable men, and attached friends about me,
there was yet no one whose Society I enjoyed more
than yours, and few whose I enjoyed as much. But
at the present time, since some have died, others
are away, and others changed in feeling, upon my
honour, a single day devoted to you
will bring a richer return of pleasure than all
this time given to most of those with whom I am
forced to live. For do not imagine that
solitude—and even that, after all, I am
not allowed to en-joy—is not pleasanter
than the talk of those who crowd my house, with
one or at most two exceptions. 2 Accordingly, I fly to that refuge, which I
think you should also seek—my darling
studies: and, in addition to them, the
consciousness of the principles I have maintained.
For I am a man, as you will have no difficulty in
conceiving, who have never acted for my own
interests in preference to those of my fellow
citizens: a man of whom, if he whom you never
loved—for you loved me—had not
been jealous, he would now have been in
prosperity, and so would all the loyalists. I am
he whose wish was that no man's brute force should
be preferred to peace with honour. And again, when
I perceived that the very appeal to arms, which I
had always dreaded, was to influence the result
more than that union of all loyalists (of which I
again was the author), I preferred accepting a
peace on any terms whatever that were safe to a
combat with the stronger. But all this and much
else when we meet, as we soon shall. For after all
there is nothing to keep me at Rome except the
expectation of news from Africa: for the campaign
there seems to me to have come to a point when the
decisive stroke cannot be far off. Now whatever
that news may be, I suppose it is of some
importance to me that I should not be out of the
way of consulting my friends: I don't, indeed, see
clearly what the precise importance is, but
nevertheless it must be of some. In fact, it has
come to this, that though there is a wide
difference between the merits of the two
contending sides, I should imagine there will not
be much difference between the way they will use
their victory. But my courage, which has perhaps
been somewhat weak while the result was undecided,
now that all is lost, has greatly recovered its
tone. You, too, did much to strengthen it by your
previous letter, from which I learnt how bravely
you were bearing your injurious treatment: and it
was helpful to me to find that your
lofty character, as well as your literary studies,
had stood you in good stead. For I will be candid:
I used to think you somewhat lacking in spirit, as
indeed most of us were, who have lived the life of
free men in a state that was itself wealthy and
free. But as we were moderate in the old
prosperity, so ought we to endure now with courage
what is not a mere reverse of fortune, but a total
loss of it: to the end that we may get this amount
of good at least in the midst of the gravest ills,
that, while even in prosperity we were bound to
disregard death (seeing that it will bring with it
an absence of all sensation 3
), at this time and with these distresses we ought
not only to disregard, but even to wish for it. If
you have any regard for me, continue to enjoy your
leisure and convince yourself that, except
misconduct and crime—of which you have
been and always will be clear-nothing can happen
to a man that can soil his honour or should rouse
his fear. For my part, if it shall seem feasible,
I will come to see you before long: if anything
happens to make a change in my plans necessary, I
will at once let you know. Don't allow your
eagerness to see me induce you to move in your
present weak state of health, without first asking
me by letter what I want you to do. Pray go on
loving me as before, and devote yourself to your
health and peace of mind.
ROME, APRIL