previous next

Lincoln's Thanksgiving Te Deum of the Yanks.

It appears that Abraham, President of the Yankees, recommends to his subjects a day of thanksgiving some time in August next. We are not apprised of the order of the services, nor the exact description of religious rites to be observed, but would suggest a programme as follows.

First of all, let there be a grand, procession in Pennsylvania Avenue, proceeding to a platform on the Capital steps, where a commemorative sacrifice should be offered up, of old Scott, wrapped in the United States flag, and the other sacrificial rams, McDowell, Patterson. McClellan, Fremont, Pope, Burnside, Hooker, &c., who, at various times, have been knocked in the head for the good of the Republic. Such a spectacle would have a fine moral and religious effect, impressing upon the minds of men the transitory character of human glory in general, and the perishable properties of gunpowder in particular.

Next should come a burnt offering, to consist of a pyramid of paper currency, representing the treasury notes, bank notes and greenbacks which the United States have spent in this war, to be set fire to by Chase, making a grand conflagration, teaching men the Scripture truth that riches take to themselves wings, and, the more touching truth to Yankee minds, that the amount of money thus represented might just as well have been set fire to by the North as expended in battle, and come at last to the ashes of repudiation.

The next spectacle should be the bones, if they can be got, of the two hundred thousand Yankees who, according to the Northern journals, have perished in this war. They might be built up in a vast pile, surrounded by a ditch deep enough to hold the tears of their bereaved relatives, and encompassed by their unhappy widows and fatherless children, whilst Lincoln should sit on the top, with a fiddle in his hand, playing cheerfully to the tune of "Nobody's burt." On the outer circle of the group there should be a grand dance of the contractors, extortioners, thieves, harlots, murderers, and other angelic intelligence who have been called into being by the war.

Everything being thus prepared, and Seward, who has of late assumed the sacerdotal robe, being consecrated High Priest for the occasion, let the Te Deum proceed.

We thank Thee, oh, Divine Benevolence, that Thou hast enabled us to turn a once happy land into a dwelling place of devils, where the light of the life-giving sun is darkened daily by the smoke of death-dealing battle fields, and the night, once irradiated only by peaceful stars, made lurid by the fires of burning dwellings.

We thank thee that the Table of the Law, made only for the ignorant Jews, has been dispensed with altogether with us, thy chosen people. There is not one of thy commandments which we have not broken. Instead of the one God, spiritual and eternal, we have made idols of the Stars and Stripes and the Almighty Dollar; instead of adherence to such obsolete requirements as thou shalt not steal thou shalt not commit adultery, thou shalt not take the name of God in vain, thou shalt not bear false witness, thou shalt not covet, we have gone through the length and breadth of the land stealing whatever we could lay out hands on, despoiling female innocence, furthering the air with curses, lying and slandering from sunrise till sunset, coveting everything we beheld, and not only coveting, but the same into our possession. We rejoice and are exceedingly glad that we, thine elect children are released from the dead letter of the law and the stale maxims of morality, and enabled to walk proudly erect in the spiritual as well as political liberty whereby we are made free.

We thank and praise Thee that, in the elevation to power of Thine unworthy servants, Lincoln and Seward, we have been enabled by the vile things of the world to confound the wise, and to show to the basest and most ungodly that hell is not the only portion of Thy dominions where villains can have promotion. We rejoice that the good man of the United States, who were otherwise in danger of becoming proud and self righteous, have been taught the grace of humility by being shut up in bastiles and threatened with the gallows, thus weaning their affections from the earth, and compelling them to look to Heaven for a better and more enduring country.

We thank Thee that Thou hast enabled us to carry fire and sword into a peaceful nation, to make widows and orphans in every town and neighborhood, to slay thousands of their best and purest patriots, thereby adding mightily to the illustrious host of martyre, and taking away the righteous from the evil to come. We pray Thee to speed on the good work till every male of our Southern brethren enters with joy into the beatitudes of the blest, and we enter with equal joy into their plantations.

We thank Thee that so little of our own Pilgrim, precious, and elect blood, has been shed in this war; that we have been enabled to inveigle the down-trodden of Europe into a condition where we have speedily put an end to their misery, and that those of our own native rank and file who have fallen have been poor men, who were of no account to society, and whose loss we can endure with fortitude. If we may not, consistently with our duty to our families, support their widows and orphans, we rejoice that we shall preserve their memories, and thereby induce other poor men to go and do likewise.

We thank thee that we have been enabled to reverence the antiquated law which gave prudence to the descendants of Shem and Japhet over Ham, and which required servants to be obedient to their masters. We bless Thee for the peace and liberty which prevail in the best Government under the sun, as illustrated by the New York riots, and the dead bodies which rot in the highways and bye ways. Above all, we exult, rejoice, and shout hallelujah! that while the flower of the land lies withered in death we, Thy servants and sheep of Thy pasture, have fed in green pastures and beside still waters, with none to molest or make us afraid.

We thank Thee that we are not even persecuted by the visitations of conscience; that we look upon all we do, as agreeable to Thy will; that we are clothed in purple and fine linen, and gorge ourselves with costly viands and rich wines, whilst our enemies are ragged and starving, and that we expect to be rewarded hereafter for all we have accomplished here.

Finally, we beseech Thee to continue this war and make it interminable; to enable us to slaughter hundreds of thousands more of our enemies in the South, to make their wives widows and their children fatherless, to convert the garden of their land into a desert, and give their bones to the beasts of the wilderness. So we, who are thy children, and the elect of the earth, shall give thee high land and glory here, and afterwards, with tunefulness, enter upon the rewards of the just.--Amen.

We respectfully commend this Te Deum for

the Yankee Thanksgiving. If it is a litany of Devils, and not of men, that is their fault, not ours. It embodies in plain English the thoughts of their hearts and the essence of their gratitude. If aught be necessary to fill up the measure of their crimes, it is a national ascription of praise to Heaven that they have performed the work of Hell.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 United States License.

An XML version of this text is available for download, with the additional restriction that you offer Perseus any modifications you make. Perseus provides credit for all accepted changes, storing new additions in a versioning system.

hide Places (automatically extracted)

View a map of the most frequently mentioned places in this document.

Sort places alphabetically, as they appear on the page, by frequency
Click on a place to search for it in this document.
United States (United States) (3)
hide People (automatically extracted)
Sort people alphabetically, as they appear on the page, by frequency
Click on a person to search for him/her in this document.
Lincoln (3)
Te Deum (3)
Seward (2)
Scott (1)
McClellan (1)
Hooker (1)
Ham (1)
Fremont (1)
Chase (1)
Burnside (1)
hide Dates (automatically extracted)
Sort dates alphabetically, as they appear on the page, by frequency
Click on a date to search for it in this document.
August (1)
hide Display Preferences
Greek Display:
Arabic Display:
View by Default:
Browse Bar: