Aristophanes, Peace
Eugene O'Neill, Jr., Ed.

Trygaeus
[1230] ... if propped on three stones. He sits on it. Look, it's admirable.

Armourer
But how can you wipe yourself, idiot?

Trygaeus
with appropriate gestures.
I can put one hand through here, and the other there, and so ...

Armourer
What! do you wipe yourself with both hands?

Trygaeus
Aye, so that I may not be accused of robbing the State, by blocking up an oar-hole in the galley.

Armourer
[1235] Would you crap in a thunder-mug that cost ten minae?

Trygaeus
Undoubtedly, you rascal. Do you think I would sell my arse for a thousand drachmae?

Armourer
Come, have the money paid over to me.

Trygaeus
No, friend; I find it pinches my bottom. Take it away, I won't buy it.

Maker of War Trumpets
[1240] What is to be done with this trumpet, for which I gave sixty drachmae the other day?

Trygaeus
Pour lead into the hollow and fit a good, long stick to the top; and you will have a balanced cottabus.

Maker of War Trumpets
[1245] Don't mock me.

Trygaeus
Well, here's another idea. Pour in lead as I said, add here a dish hung on strings, and you will have a balance for weighing the figs which you give your slaves in the fields.

Helmet Maker
[1250] Cursed fate! I am ruined. Here are helmets, for which I gave a mina each. What am I to do with them? who will buy them?

Trygaeus
Go and sell them to the Egyptians; they will do for measuring laxatives.

Spear Maker
[1255] >Ah! poor helmet-maker, things are indeed in a bad way.

Trygaeus
He has no cause for complaint.

Spear Maker
But helmets will be no more used.

Trygaeus
Let him learn to fit a handle to them and he can sell them for more money.

Helmet Maker
[1260] Let us be off, comrade.

Trygaeus
No, I want to buy these spears.

Spear Maker
What will you give?

Trygaeus
If they could be split in two, I would take them at a drachma per hundred to use as vine-props.

Spear Maker
The insolent dog! Let us go, friend.

The munitions-makers all depart.

Trygaeus
As some young boys enter.
[1265] Ah! here come the guests, young folks from the table to take a pee; I fancy they also want to hum over what they will be singing presently. Hi! child! what do you reckon to sing? Stand there and give me the opening line.