Punch on the American rebellion.
the Civil war in America.
--I have a proposition to make.
Your valuable journal, world-wide reputation, great influence, ought to have, like other papers, special correspondent at seat of war. I am the man. In short, war correspondent by nature.
If you accept my offer I will telegraph my letters to St. Johns
, N. B., whence they will be forwarded to you via steamer — thus you will obtain details ahead of all rivals.
Of course in sending communications over the wires, I must be as concise as possible, to save time and expense, which may produce a certain twitchiness of style, to this, however you may not object.
Accompanying letter specimen of my style:--
Am now in Charleston
, very centre of secessionism.
Was told in the North
I should be able to get neither lodging nor food in this city.
How absurdly things are exaggerated at distance.
Found little or no difficulty in securing fair portion of billiard table
on which I sleep quite comfortably; a little inconvenient in the morning, to be sure, when they commence pool, for although they have no right to play at my end before seven o'clock, still it is almost impossible to prevent balls flying about occasionally.
Gentleman, this morning made winning hazard off back of my head, but they would not let it count, which I was sorry for on the whole, stroke unintentional I know, but billiard balls hard, and human nature weak, particular about lower part back of head.
As for food live on clover, or something confoundedly like it. Call it gumbo, have it three times a day. Yesterday dined off split chicken, looked like arms of Austria
For breakfast they serve us species of vulcanized pancake, known I think (mind only think, so if mistaken do not set me down as another Mr. Arrowroot
, of Times
correspondence notoriety), known I think, as corn-dodgers, or flap-jack.--One plastic substance served up with treacle, so as to resemble blister, is I know called buckwheat cake.
To-day witnessed one of institutions of country in its most striking aspect.
Public barroom free at lunch time.
Most drinking saloons of any eminence, spread lunch table from eleven to one o'clock, every one who chooses come in, eats as much as he likes and pays nothing.
About twelve o'clock drop into "Gem," great crowd people there, eating, drinking, smoking, talking.
Large table set out, boiled beef, oyster soup, gumbo, dried fish, choose, crackers, and bread.
Gentlemanly barkeeper mixing drinks in highly artistic manner, pouring liquid from one tumbler to another in parabolic curve over his head.--General hum of conversation, in which the words "Secession," ‘"Southern confederation."’ ‘"No, how you can fix it,"’ ‘"That long, subsided, nigger stealing son of a gun, Abe Lincoln
,"’ ‘"No sir-ree, hoss,"’ most frequently heard.
Shuffling of feet, clinking of ice in huge pitchers, etc. Works of art acorn walls — female figure in high style of undress most patronized.
Spittoons as large as bushel baskets generously distributed over marble floors; easy chairs in all directions — gentlemen sitting on shoulder blades.
picturesque old city — quite classic ground — has a ruin somewhere — powder mill blown up several years ago. People of Charleston
talk about their antiquities--one house eighty years old. Several fine hotels, two or three excellent churches, and very nice arsenal.
Voluminous market place, well supplied with okra, squash, pumpkins, peanuts, pop corn, yams, squirrels, robins, clams, &c. Mutton and beef not very abundant, South Carolina
having seceded from butcher's meat.
City Hall a neat little edifice.
Post Office somewhere in church.
There is a good deal of sea, and bay, and water of one kind and another round about, with several forts in it and on it. Good esplanade, called White Point
Garden — walks macadamized with peppermint lozenges, or sea shells, don't know which, anyway beautiful effect.
State of society, generally, very much disorganized.
Bodies armed men patrol streets all night.
Every one armed to teeth, if they have teeth; very often have not in this country, in which case, armed to upper lip or organ of philoprogenitiveness.
Have been arrested five times, brought before vigilance committee, suspicious character, who was I?
where did I come from? &c., &c. Stated was personal friend of Mr. Punch
, special correspondent.
All right, let off immediately.
greatly respected here, next to General Washington
Attended grand caucus last night — great demonstration.
Principal speaker burst all buttons off shirt front
, said if Northern States would only contract to carry the mails as usual, and supply them with ice, poultry, hay and fire-arms, South Carolina
would never surrender, rather perish!
Patriot's grave better far than something else — patriot's everything better than everything else, nothing like patriots, in fact every man not patriot ought to have his head punched (or words to that effect). Agreeably surprised at dignity and decorum with which meeting was conducted — only one fight, and that attended with no fatal results — wounded man walked down street next day, expected to recover.
Southerners certainly very gentlemanly men, should feel more at case in their society if they didn't carry quite so many bowie-knives
about, don't see how they manage it. I only wear two, one up my back, other down leg of pants, and small revolver in breast pocket, still find it inconvenient in sitting down — feel as if I had received ticket to Orthopedic Institution, and been very thoroughly treated.
However, I hope to avoid any unpleasant feeling by carefully conforming to customs of country — am conforming continually — consequence is, am becoming very popular — great number of distinguished persons already call me Jim — drink with every one; this morning took two "stone walls" and a "General Jackson
" before breakfast.
After breakfast met Judge King
--invited me to "smile," and we smiled; presently joined by Deacon Mason
, smiled again; (in this land you can smile and smile, and not be a villain,) result was, I drank three "brandy cocktails," two "gin slings," one "buttered rum," and a "moral suasion" by lunch time; obliged to do it in order to maintain social position.
Find am getting very popular — met Governor Pickens
to-day — offered me post of Judge
of Supreme Court, ‘"when things got fixed up a bit;"’ informed him I knew nothing of law; replied it was of ‘"no consequence — had I common sense?"’ I thought I had. He considered that quite sufficient; I was ‘"just the man they wanted."’
Negroes less prevalent than I anticipated — not very industrious class of people — seem to occupy themselves chiefly sitting on barrels, corroding large ears of boiled corn, exhibiting rows of teeth that look like keys of piano.
Dreadful fall in niggers recently (will rise by-and-by, I suspect). ‘"Niggers ain't worth half what they was"’--general sentiment.
Head waiter at hotel weeping bitterly at breakfast, inquired cause; told me had suffered severe pecuniary loss; three months ago was worth fifteen hundred dollars, now would not sell for more than seven hundred.
Free niggers go about streets trying to sell themselves, in order to realize before civil war breaks out. My opinion is, there will be no secession for long.
North will cut off supply of ice, Southerners will have none to make mint juleps; whole South in a state of Ancient Mariner
, have to cave in, and there will be an end of this escapade.
Once more eagle will soar above prostrate body of defeated anarchy; lion will lie down with lamb; everything O. K.*
Talking of customs of country, I wish you would publish accompanying portrait of Col. Bronze
, gentlemanly proprietor of Pavilion Hotel.
Also, portraits of Jim Snookenback
, gentlemanly barkeeper, and Mr. Kelly
, gentlemanly porter of hotel.
These little attentions quite usual, I assure you — custom of country.
Hope you will not allow yourself to be influenced by any absurd, preconceived prejudices against pulling; if so, it will seriously embarrass private arrangements of
Gorilla. [We have received 1,376 applications from gentlemen residing in America
, each applicant offering to become our war correspondent. We will see about it; but at the same time it is doubtful whether we shall want any war correspondent until there is a war.--Ed. Punch
‘ Yankee Doodle
went to war
On his little pony;
What did he go fighting for.
was a chap
Who bragged and swore tarnation,
He stuck a feather in his cap
And called it Federation.
, &c. Yankee Doodle
, he went forth
To conquer the Seceders
All the journals of the North
In most ferocious leaders,
Breathing slaughter, fire and smoke,
Especially the latter,
His rage and fury to provoke,
And vanity to flatter, Yankee Doodle
, &c. Yankee Doodle
, having floored
His separated brothers,
Be reckoned his victorious sword
Would turn against us others,
Secession first he would put down,
Wholly and forever;
And afterwards, from Britain's crown
would sever, Yankee Doodle
, &c. England
offering neutral sauce
To goose as well as gander,
Was what made Yankee Doodle
And did inflame his dander,
As though with choler drunk, he fumed,
And threatened vengeance martial,
Because Old England had presumed
To steer a course impartial, Yankee Doodle
, &c. Yankee Doodle
bore in mind,
When warfare England
How he, unfriendly and unkind,
Besot her, and embarrassed;
He put himself in England
And thought this injuri dation
Must view his trouble with a base
We for North and South alike
These for negro slavery strike;
Those for forced protection.
is the pot,
Southerner the kettle;
Equal morally, if not
Men of equal mettle.
, &c. Yankee Doodle
, near Bull Run
Met his adversary;
First he thought the fight he'd won;
Fact proved quite contrary.
Panic struck he fled, with speed
Of lightning glib with unction
Of slippery grease, in full stampede,
From famed Manassas Junction
. Yankee Doodle
As he holted, no ways slow, Yankee Doodle
"We are whipped!" and fled, although
No pursuer followed.
Sword and gun right slick he threw
Both away together,
In his cap, to public view,
Showing the white feather.
, &c. Yankee Doodle
, Doodle Do,
Whither are you flying!
"A cocked-hat we've been licked into,
And knocked to Hades
Well, to Canada
Now that, by secession,
I am driven up a tree,
To seize that there possession.
, &c. Yankee Doodle
, be content,
You've had a lenient whipping;
Court not further punishment
By enterprise of stripping
Those neighbors, whom if you assail,
They'll surely whip you hollow;
Moreover, when you've turned your tail,
Won't hesitate to follow.
What the accounts of the battle of Manassas should be written on.
Four Inscriptions for a Monument,
To be Erected in Virginia, on the Scene of the Great Stampede of the Federal Army, July 21, 1861.
[by the Times' special correspondent.]
? Which Bull
Write out the name in full.
That when posterity the tale shall con.
She may be thoroughly aware the Bull
That made the run,
was Jonathan, not John.
[by a Yankee Volunteer.]
I Jonathan, here own in confusion and compunction.
With a curse for those who blundered and a blush for those who ran.
That in the composition of the said Manassas Junction
There was too much of the cases
and too little of the case.
[by a U. S. Sensation reporter.]
Go, stra-a-nger, tell how for our country high.
Where yesterday we ran, to-day we lie.
[by a Yankee nation-monger.]
' Yankee Lock
henceforth the field.
To our MeDowell's Yankee bolt
A fast race.
have long been extremely fond of boasting that they are by far the most go-ahead of nations: and after hearing how they went ahead in running from Bull Run
we cannot well dispute there being some ground for their boast.
The defeat of the Federal
forces at Bull Run
will, it is said, lead to a change of the name of the rivulet so heretofore denominated.
Those who are apt to boast that they whipped Bull
have now been whipped themselves.
that was, therefore, we understand, is henceforth to be called Jonathan's run.