He ridicules the absurdity of one Catius, who placed the summit of human felicity in the
culinary art.
WHENCE, and whither, Catius? I have not time [to converse with you], being desirous of
impressing on my memory some new precepts; such as excel Pythagoras, and him that was accused
by Anytus,
1 and the learned Plato. I acknowledge my offense, since I have interrupted you at so
unlucky a juncture: but grant me your pardon, good sir, I beseech you. If any thing should
have slipped you now, you will presently recollect it: whether this talent of yours be of
nature, or of art, you are amazing in both. Nay, but I was anxious, how I might retain all
[these precepts]; as being things of a delicate nature, and in a delicate style. Tell me the
name of this man; and at the same time whether he is a Roman, or a foreigner? As I have them
by heart, I will recite the precepts: the author shall be concealed.
Remember to serve up those eggs that are of an oblong make, as being of sweeter flavor and
more nutritive than the round ones: for, being toughshelled, they contain a male yelk. Cabbage
that grows in dry lands, is sweeter than that about town: nothing is more insipid than a
garden much watered. If a visitor should come unexpectedly upon you in the evening, lest the
tough old hen prove disagreeable to his palate, you must learn to drown it in Falernian wine
mixed [with water]:
2 this will make it tender. The mushrooms that grow in meadows,
3 are of the best kind: all others are dangerously trusted. That man shall spend his
summers healthy who shall finish his dinners with mulberries
4 black [with ripeness], which he shall have gathered from the tree before the sun
becomes violent. Aufidius used to mix honey with strong Falernian injudiciously; because it is
right to commit nothing to the empty veins, but what is emollient: you will, with more
propriety, wash your stomach with soft mead. If your belly should be hard bound, the limpet
and coarse cockles will remove obstructions, and leaves of the small sorrel; but not without
Coan white wine. The increasing moons swell the
lubricating shell-fish. But every sea is not productive of the exquisite sorts. The Lucrine
muscle is better than the Baian murex: [The best] oysters come from the Circean promontory;
cray-fish from
Misenum: the soft
Tarentum plumes herself on her broad escalops. Let no one
presumptuously arrogate to himself the science of banqueting, unless the nice doctrine of
tastes has been previously considered by him with exact system. Nor is it enough to sweep away
a parcel of fishes from the expensive stalls, [while he remains] ignorant for what sort stewed
sauce is more proper, and what being roasted, the sated guest will presently replace himself
on his elbow. Let the boar from
Umbria, and that
which has been fed with the acorns of the scarlet oak, bend the round dishes of him who
dislikes all flabby meat: for the Laurentian
5 boar, fattened with flags and reeds, is bad. The vineyard does not always afford the
most eatable kids. A man of sense will be fond of the shoulders of a pregnant hare. What is
the proper age and nature of fish and fowl, though inquired after, was never discovered before
my palate.
There are some, whose genius invents nothing but new kinds of pastry. To waste one's care
upon one thing, is by no means sufficient; just as if any person should use all his endeavors
for this only, that the wine be not bad; quite careless what oil he pours upon his fish. If
you set out Massic
6 wine in fair weather, should there be any thing thick in it, it will be attenuated by
the nocturnal air, and the smell unfriendly to the nerves will go off: but, if filtrated
through linen, it will lose its entire flavor. He, who skillfully mixes the Surrentine. wine
with Falernian lees, collects the sediment with a pigeon's egg: because the yelk sinks to the
bottom, rolling down with it all the heterogeneous parts. You may rouse the jaded toper with
roasted shrimps and African cockles; for lettuce after wine floats upon the soured stomach: by
ham preferably, and by sausages, it craves to be restored to its appetite: nay, it will prefer
every thing which is brought smoking hot from the nasty eating-houses. It is worth while to be
acquainted with the two kinds of sauce. The simple consists of sweet oil; which it will be
proper to mix with rich wine and pickle, but with no other pickle than that by which the
Byzantine jar has been tainted. When this, mingled with shredded herbs, has boiled, and
sprinkled with Corycian saffron, has stood, you shall over and above add what the pressed
berry of the Venafran olive yields. The Tiburtian yield to the Picenian apples in juice,
though they excel in look. The Venusian grape is proper for [preserving in] pots. The Albanian
you had better harden in the smoke. I am found to be the first that served up this grape with
apples in neat little side-plates, to be the first [likewise that served up] wine-lees and
herring-brine, and white pepper finely mixed with black salt. It is an enormous fault to
bestow three thousand sesterces on the fish-market, and then to cramp the roving fishes in a
narrow dish. It causes a great nausea in the stomach, if even the slave touches the cup with
greasy hands, while he licks up snacks, or if offensive grime has adhered to the ancient
goblet. In trays, in mats, in sawdust, [that are so] cheap, what great expense can there be?
But, if they are neglected, it is a heinous shame. What, should you sweep Mosaic pavements
with a dirty broom made of palm, and throw Tyrian carpets over the unwashed furniture of your
couch! forgetting, that by how much less care and expense these things are attended, so much
the more justly may [the want of them] be censured, than of those things which can not be
obtained but at the tables of the rich?
Learned Catius, entreated by our friendship and the gods, remember to introduce me to an
audience [with this great man], whenever you shall go to him. For, though by your memory you
relate every thing to me, yet as a relater you can not delight me in so high a degree. Add to
this the countenance and deportment of the man; whom you, happy in having seen, do not much
regard, because it has been your lot: but I have no small solicitude, that I may approach the
distant fountain-heads, and imbibe the precepts of [such] a blessed life.
