An African letter — opinions of a colored candidate.
That excellent journal the
Southern Literary Messenger, contains among other humorous the following laughable letter, purporting to be written by a colored barber in
Norfolk in reply to some inquiries from a white "constituent" as to his opinions, with a view to running him for the
Lincoln Congress.
Those who are fond of a rich place of humor will find it well worth reading:
Norfolk,half pas too,
by my role requestor.
Jah!
--Your letter inquire me to become a candidate to represent his district and Congress do New United State an recede.
Owin to be absents of my private secretary, recommend for date poss by my fren
Mr. Red Evritts of
Boston, I shall write myself.
By do some mail I has recede letter from Honbull
Mr. Sumner asking me to accept plutmeat of private secretary to Cystria, from Honbull
Mr. Hicaman to take commission as
Captain in do Hickman Black Guards to be raise for do struction of do Dixies.
I had also a little note from de ladies ob
de John Brown resurrection silly of
Needham, Miss.
asking a lock of my hair, and a contribution of five dollars. Dose matters all say dat it is do universal desire of the Abolition party in both hemispheres" dat I should occupy a nonedible station.
But my fast duty is to my selfish citizens back and white.
I shall take care of my white fellow-citizens for dey is too valuable to be kill.
If de gubberment elude to 1st dem vote dey will had a paper to deceives to vote on; but dey earut spack me to make dem no promise except to allow dem to vote for me — some culled gemplums wont low dem to do det much.
But you must give your vote on de accret bellop, for it would injure me in Kongress to have maney white votes.
But, ash!
I earnt commit myself no furder.--You must be awar oat dis war was got up on the recount ob de cullud poplation.
Mr. Eunner inform me darde whose trash has had dis country for two hundred years. Dey has had all de money, de meat an specially all do whiskey.
De Yankees says de cullud poplation ought to rule but de Dixles won't gib em up; so de Yankees is to whip
de Dixies and gib de gubberment to de cullud poplation for de next hundred years, and don de white folks dey come in agin.
Dat seem about far, De cullud poplation is to hab de Prisdent and all de offices.
Dey is to hab
de Banks.
Dey is to keep de Hotel Dey is to keep de Store.
Mr. Sumner form me det in ele time de master was to stan behine de sarvant's chair one day, in de year, now he is to hab a "Saturnalian century" I spose dat means Satteday night all de time.
Dis is when
Mars Linkum has drove
de Dixies out ob de country, and made em beg dar lorful, masters dat he gwide to put over dem. But Honeul
Mr. Doc little forms me dat dat won't take place for sebbrul days, because
Mars Linkum got as fur as
Fredricksburg, but his possumcoon bridge broke down, and he had to go back to
Washington city to git him fix. Den he gwine take de Dixiss certain.
But de districk is to leet members same as of de dam Dixies was done whip.
You ax me sebbrul question, which I procede to answer.
In de fust place, fustly: 1--Will you, if elected, use your influence in Congress to procure the same privilege for de whites as for de blacks?
Sah, I answer no. Sah, I shall not; an I wonder at your imperence to ask such a thing.
Dis is de war of de outlud Soplation; and dey is to hab de land an de fulness derorf.
De Yankees is to be below de cullud poplation and you is to be under de Yankees.
You can work on de field, but you cant clean shoes, not open barber shop nor keep bilyard satune, nursegar shop, nor sell vegebbles, nur open oysters.
Dese hizness is fur gemplums and ladies ob cullur, and de white trash trude de self into none ob dem.
2nd.
Ar'you in favor of proscution ob de war?
Of course I is; fur if de war ant prosecute an dat sudden, dese Dixies will git us all an de Yankees besides.
Yes, I say prosehute tell you white trash kill's one another up, an den de cu'lud poplution will hab de land and de money to deyselves.
Yes, I say Proskute?
Proskute?
3d Are you in favor of enrolling the colored ponulation as soldiers?
No. sah! de cullud pusson musnt proskute dat De cullud; usson got no bisness wid mucket; he as blaness whar bambuss and minny explunge, an rifle hit you so far off dat you hab to write letter and inform de shooter dat he hab hit you an make him pologise.
Dis war is de war ob de white for de benefis of de black.
We is de invited guess, and you guine ax ut to cloop wood and cook de dinter?
No. sith! You de kuntry tree, den we will take it. More dan all dat, an't we done two by de'act of
Mr. Linkum?
What's de use of we fighting?
Spose de Dixies kill me, what good freedom guino do me?
Spose dey ketch me alive and put me up at auction and stribute de money monges
de Dixies dey bin fighting fur lebbun dollars month?
Spose dey catch reginfent ob alggors day all git rich.
Jeknow dom Dixies.
Menny ob dem nebber had de toe nail ob a nigger in dar lives.
Show um a buck nigger wid a good sute of close and a good gun, and dey begin to yell like obbar so many hounds, and dey wid catch dem kiggers of dey has to run dem into de white house celler.
Dey done get tired of Ketching dotch which dey paroles but day are not gwine to payroll us niggers, doubt dey payroll dem in de cotten field or de tobacco ground What's do use ob sellin us free of you send us whar we gwine to be caught and set to work?
No. sah Dey wants us, to act fire to property and stroy it. Why and we to hab all de property?--What we gwine to strov our own property for?--Dey want us to kill de dam Dixies, we dont want to kill de Dixlies; we likes dem very well — if we was free, side to det question ob killin.
We has got wives and children too; we has got no guns nor does one nigger outn five hundred know whichend of de gun to put to his face.
When dis killin begins dey will sen for some ob dem calvery ob Stuarts, and day will kill obbry nigger in a whole county.
Why do Yankee wid guns and bressplates carut stan'am; how den kin poor-nigger stan up genst does Dixle debbels?
Do Yankees is fee fur off to help in dese cases.
Does you think de Yankees done got tired?
Doce you think dis nigger army is his last dependance?
Dan de nigger had better look out fur de Yankees is preparing to git him into crubble and leave him. But dar is sumth in more dan dat. Dey want to bind de cullud soldier for sebben year.--Will it take dem sebben more year to whip
de Dixies?
No dey gwine do dat soon as dey gate dar possumcoon bridge fix. What dey want wid him for sabben year?
I tell my fellah citizens when dey gits dat unicorn on you dey order de reggiment round to Few Orleen and you find yourself in Kuby.
Dey sell you like Hesslume of you ant got no more sense dan so many datch Dat
Richmond try to catch dis coon.
He want me to blue myself for sebben year.
But
Hickman has got a bradder dat want to raise reggiment.
Dat reggiment will be worf bout million ob dollar.
Dis
Hickman gwine get order to report to
Butler, an dat's de lass of cose niggers.
I vise my cullud frens to let white trash settle der own hizness — What good my freedom do me of I hab to sarve sebbez year in de army?
I rather belong to any man in
Norfolk.
Six dollar a month!
to be shot at wid all sorts of gun, and dig all night in de trench!
I wouldn't loss my sleep for six dollar a month.
Does dey speck spectable cullud gemplus gwine quit his bizness to stan guard and double quick at dem prices?
But, sah, dis coon prefer de cibbll service of his cunary, and he recommen to his cullud fellah citizens to take a Feddul office wid a good salary and leave de war to
de Dutch and Yankees.
Now, sir, you see we gree pon dis pint.
I am pintedly pose to jining de army for sebben year or any other year, an you can publish dat in de papers
4th. "Are you a highly scented nigger!" Sah I what is de meaning ob dat obsewation?
You pologire and say you want your representative to make an impression upon the eilfactories ob the nation Sah, I dont comprehend your relusion.
Sah, I is a gentleman of
African de
scent of dat satisfys you. Now, sah, I wants you to publish come parts — but not all — b dis letter for satisfaction of
black and
white, but dis part you neednt to publish.
I hab had a young Yankee fur my private sacretery.
He was recommand by Honbul
Mr. Ebrett, de same gemplum dat went round wid his show of
Washington in wax works and wind works, Dis young Yankee say he was chapplin to a bract reggiment.
I soon soubber he was intached to my darter
Miss Juliny Ahn, and spected to Jine in de holy hands of padlock wid de same.
He tend to my wrilin and readin.
He pray obbry whar.
I nebber catch dat young yankee dat he want prayin.
He was what dey calls a bird of pray.
So see do perfiddeous perfiddy ob de white trash My darter Miss Jullny An, in demement ob factionate sociation, put her han in his pocket jes for fun. She got sebbrel things and a piece ob writing to his fren in
de North.
He write his fren dat de siety fur de melioration ob de cullud race was doing well.
Dat he had marry fifteen outline gals, and had far prospect of improving de next gineration.
Dat he had marry dem all under a defferent name and at defferent places, and should write dem all to meet him at dis place to procede to his residence in
Boston — by way of
Brazil — My darter
Miss Juliny Ann hah de bystrikes like any other lady, an I go after dat chapplin to demand satisfaction for de report dat she was engaged to a Yankee.
But I hab nebber see dat dam young Yankee since.
He got her bresspin and carring, and de gole ring ob matrimony was found to be worf about two cents, but she has gib him one in exchange dat cost me five dollar.
Bust this is all private between gampluma.
I drap dose question I take de croun dat districk has bin represent long nough by white trash.
Mister Sergur say he can git our money dat is coming to us, but yah!
yah! yah!
Joe Seegur git my money!
I len dat
Joe Seegur ten dollar when I hab the honor to keep barber shop in Hamton bout twenty-five year ago. Some time he say he owe me and want to borrow more, den he done forgot all about it till he mind me of it wid de bankrupt.
Git
Joe Sergur to git dat money!
dat would be de las of
Seegur and de money too. Dat
Seegur got no coziness wid dat place.
Its too much money for one white trash to handle.
I shall son one ob my eullud frens to beat him our of his beats.
I hab compassion on my cullud opponents.
I hab git de post-office (apple stand at de door) and another position in de Treasury (oyster cellar under de building.)
I shall take my place in Kongress long side of
Mr. Luhjaw, and the venabble
mister Crittan end, and
Mr. Bingham, Dey hab all wrote me dat day had reserve me a seat by dem, and dat I
should have a share in a army contrack for mule and for shoddy; dat last I don't know what it means.
I shall den proceds by de advice of
Mr. Sumner to introduce a Bill for de relief ob de cullud poplation.
Wheras all de work dat was obber dons in dis country was done by passons of
African descent, which
de Dixies has eat up and wore out and run through dar pant, but de Yankees has got dar share ob de stealin now in possession.
Be it renacted date de said Yankees is to refun back to de cullud pussons de mounies which day has dons hide away from de lorful ouner dat had work for as same, to be disposs on in de following maner finellycit dat is to say,&c. &c. It shall be de duty ob de Treary to pay shory Saturday night sebben dollars to abbry cound man and five dollars to every cullud female and three dollars to every child tell the whole money has bin pay back agin.
Do secretary ob de interior shall funish ration to facd de endud peplation an de secretery ob de shall find dem in clothes.
Dare shall be a school-house, a meeting house, and a distillery in every neighborhood and we callud poplation shall have de libberty to go to which ebber day choose free.
Mr. Sumner and
Mr. Greeley both poses this last, but I shall bring it before de House.
Free whiskey is de right of obbry man. De Yankees has took our public land and glo is to
de Dutch; dey call demselves Free tillers.
I calls myself a Freestiller.
Whiskey is now de only thing to be set free, an I want de ball to roll on till
Fre laber, Free soil Free whiskey and Free niggers, shall be de watchwords of free men evrywhar.
I hab thus explaned my nosish on dis subject till my head swims.
You will keep such parts secret as you think proper.
Dont show yourself about de polls anny more den you can help, and you can kuss me evry now and den of you think it will tell; but vote de secret ballop sebrel times of convenient, and tell o her frends to do de same.
I has de hono, to be, wid sentiment ob crusideration fur myself and famly, your representative dat is to be,
