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Enter PSEUDOLUS.
PSEUDOLUS
If the immortal Gods ever did determine that any person should be assisted by their aid, now do they intend that Calidorus shall be preserved for me, and the procurer destroyed, inasmuch as they produced you for my assistant, so clever and so knowing a fellow. (Looking back.) But where is he? am I not a silly fellow to be thus talking to myself alone? I' faith, he has put a trick upon myself, as I fancy; myself one knave, I have been poorly on my guard against another knave. By my troth I'm undone, if this fellow's off, and I shall not carry into effect this day what I intended. But see, there he is, a statue that deserves a whipping; how stately he does stalk along! HARPAX. PSEUDOLUS
How now! By my faith I was looking about for you; I was very greatly afraid that you were off. SIMO
It was my character to do so, I confess. PSEUDOLUS
Where were you loitering? SIMO
Where I pleased. PSEUDOLUS
That I know well enough already. SIMO
Why then do you ask me what you know? PSEUDOLUS
Why this I want, to put you in mind. SIMO
Needing to be put in mind yourself, don't you be putting me in mind. PSEUDOLUS
Really I am treated by you quite with contempt. SIMO
And why shouldn't I treat you with contempt, I who have the repute of being a military gentleman? PSEUDOLUS
I want this then, which has been commenced, to be completed. SIMO
Do you see me a-doing anything else? PSEUDOLUS
Therefore walk on briskly. SIMO
No, I choose to go slowly. PSEUDOLUS
This is the opportunity; while this Harpax is asleep, I want you to be the first to accost him. SIMO
Why are you hurrying? Softly; don't you fear. I wish Jupiter would so make it, that he were openly in the same place with me, whoever he is, that has arrived from the Captain. Never a jot, by my troth, should he be a bit the better Harpax than I. Have good courage, I'll have this business nicely accounted for to you. So by my tricks and lies would I put this military stranger in a fright that he himself would deny that he is the person that he is, and would believe me to be the person that he himself is. PSEUDOLUS
How can that be? SIMO
You are murdering me when you ask me that. PSEUDOLUS
A clever fellow. SIMO
And so are you too, who are quite my equal with your mischievous tricks and lies * * * * * * * PSEUDOLUS
May Jupiter preserve you for me. SIMO
Aye, and for myself. But look, does this dress become me quite well? PSEUDOLUS
It suits very well. SIMO
Be it so. PSEUDOLUS
May the Deities grant you as many blessings as you may wish for yourself. For if I were to wish for as many as you are deserving of, they would be less than nothing; aside nor have I ever seen any one more of a rogue than this fellow. SIMO
overhearing him . Do you say that to me? PSEUDOLUS
This man's an honest fellow. SIMO
It is neither this person, then pointing to PSEUDOLUS , nor myself. PSEUDOLUS
But take care that you don't be tripping. SIMO
Can't you hold your tongue? He that puts a man in mind of that which, remembering it, he does keep in mind, causes him to forget it. I recollect everything; they are stored up in my breast; my plans are cleverly laid. PSEUDOLUS
I'm silent. But what good turn shall I do you if you carry through this matter with management? So may the Gods love me---- SIMO
They won't do so; you'll be uttering sheer falsehoods then. PSEUDOLUS
How I do love you, Simmia, for your roguery, and both fear and laud you. SIMO
That I have learned to make a present of to others; you can't put your flatteries on me. PSEUDOLUS
In how delightful a manner I shall receive you this day, when you have completed this matter. SIMO
Ha, ha, ha! Laughing. PSEUDOLUS
With nice viands, wine, perfumes, and titbits between our cups. There, too, shall be a charming damsel, who shall give you kiss upon kiss. SIMO
You will be receiving me in a delightful manner. PSEUDOLUS
Aye, and if you effect it, then I'll make you say so still more. SIMO
If I don't effect it, do you, the executioner, take me off to torture. But make haste and point out to me where is the door of the procurer's house. PSEUD.
'Tis the third hence. SIMO
Hist! hush! the door's opening. PSEUDOLUS
In my mind, I believe that the house is poorly. SIMO
Why so? PSEUDOLUS
Because, i' faith, it is vomiting forth the procurer. BALLIO is coming out of his house. SIMO
Is this he? PSEUDOLUS
This is his own self. SIMO
'Tis a worthless commodity. PSEUDOLUS
Do see that: he doesn't go straight, but sideways, just as a crab is wont. They conceal themselves from BALLIO.
The Comedies of Plautus. Henry Thomas Riley. London. G. Bell and Sons. 1912.
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