Now as we were leaving the school to take a walk
(as our manner is) in the place of exercise, Zeuxippus
began to us: In my opinion, said he, the debate was managed on our side with more softness and less freedom than
was fitting. I am sure, Heraclides sufficiently signified
his disgust at us at parting, for handling Epicurus and
Metrodorus more roughly than they deserved. Yet you
may remember, replied Theon, how you told them that
Colotes himself, compared with the rhetoric of those two
gentlemen, would appear the complaisantest man alive;
[p. 158]
for when they have raked together the lewdest terms of
ignominy the tongue of man ever used, as buffooneries,
trollings, arrogancies, whorings, assassinations, whining
counterfeits, vile seducers, and blockheads, they faintly
throw them in the faces of Aristotle, Socrates, Pythagoras, Protagoras, Theophrastus, Heraclides, Hipparchus, and
which not, even of the best and most celebrated authorities.
So that, should they pass for very knowing men upon all
other accounts, yet their very calumnies and reviling language would bespeak them at the greatest distance from
philosophy imaginable. For emulation can never enter
that God-like consort, nor such fretfulness as wants resolution to conceal its own resentments. Aristodemus then
subjoined: Heraclides, you know, is a great philologist;
and that may be the reason why he made Epicurus those
amends for the poetic din (so that party style poetry) and
for the fooleries of Homer; or else, it may be, it was because Metrodorus had libelled that poet in so many books.
But let us let these gentlemen pass at present, Zeuxippus, and
rather return to what was charged upon the philosophers
in the beginning of our discourse, that it is impossible to
live according to their tenets. And I see not why we two
may not despatch this affair betwixt us, with the good assistance of Theon; for I find this gentleman (meaning me) is
already tired. Then Theon said to him,
Our fellows have that garland from us won;
therefore, if you please,
Let's fix another goal, and at that run.1
We will even prosecute them at the suit of the philosophers, in the following form: We'll prove, if we can, that
it is impossible to live a pleasurable life according to their
tenets. Bless me ! said I to him, smiling, you seem to me
to level your foot at the very bellies of the men, and to
[p. 159]
design to enter the list with them for their lives, whilst you
go about to rob them thus of their pleasure, and they cry
out to you,
Forbear, we're no good boxers, sir;
no, nor good pleaders, nor good senators, nor good magistrates either;
Our proper talent is to eat and drink,2
and to excite such tender and delicate motions in our
bodies as may chafe our imaginations to some jolly delight
or gayety.” And therefore you seem to me not so much to
take off (as I may say) the pleasurable part, as to deprive
the men of their very lives, while you will not leave them
to live pleasurably. Nay then, said Theon, if you think
so well of this subject-matter, why do you not set in hand
to it? By all means, said I, I am for this, and shall not
only hear but answer you too, if you shall require it. But
I must leave it to you to take the lead.
Then, after Theon had spoken something to excuse
himself, Aristodemus said: When we had so short and
fair a cut to our design, how have you blocked up the way
before us, by preventing us from joining issue with the
faction at the very first upon the single point of honesty!
For you must grant, it can be no easy matter to drive men
already possessed that pleasure is their utmost good yet to
believe a life of pleasure impossible to be attained. But
now the truth is, that just when they failed of living honestly they failed also of living pleasurably; for to live
pleasurably without living honestly is even by themselves
allowed inconsistent.
