General Horace Porter, Campaigning with Grant

[186] absorbed in his examination of the ground, and made no reply for a minute or two. Then, looking at his guest, who was growing red and pale by turns, and rolling nearly out of his saddle in dodging to tie right and left, remarked with a smile: “You are giving yourself a great deal of useless exercise. When you hear the sound of a shot it has already passed you.” Just then a shell exploded close by, scattering the dirt in every direction. This was too great a trial for the overstrained nerves of the visitor. He turned his horse's head to the rear, drove both spurs into the animal's flanks, and as he dashed away with the speed of a John Gilpin, he cried back to us: “I have a wife and family waiting for me, and I'm pressed for time. Besides, I'm not much of a curiosity-seeker anyway.” Just then his black silk hat blew off, but he did not stop to recover it, and was soon out of sight. He had evidently reached a state of mind when the best of hats appears to be of no special value.

That evening in camp the general perpetrated a number of jokes at the visitor's expense, saying to him: “Well, you appear to have won that race you entered your horse for this afternoon.” “Yes,” said the visitor; “I seem to have got in first.” “Perhaps,” continued the general, “you felt like that soldier in one of our retreats who, when asked by an officer where he was going, said: ‘I'm trying to find the rear of this army, but it don't appear to have any.’ ” “I don't know why it was, but Lee seemed to have some personal grudge against me,” remarked the guest. “I think,” said the general, “it must have been that high hat which attracted his attention.” “Great Scott!” screamed the visitor, springing from his camp-stool as if the enemy had again opened fire on him; “do you know that that hat had a card in it with my name on? Holy smoke I ”