CCCXCVI (A X, 12)
TO ATTICUS (AT ROME)
CUMAE, 5 MAY
WHAT is to become of me? Who is there, I don't
say more unfortunate, but in a more degraded
position? Antony says that he has received express
orders about me, and, nevertheless, he has as yet
not been to see me, but told Trebatius this fact.
What am I to do now? Nothing succeeds with me, and
the plans which I form with the greatest care are
just those which fail in the most shocking manner.
Why, I thought when I had got Curio' s consent,
that I had succeeded entirely. He had written
about me to Hortensius. Reginus was wholly in my
interests. 1 I never imagined
that Antony would have anything to do with the
western sea. Which way am I to turn now? I am
watched on every side. But enough of tears! Well,
then, I must steal away and creep stealthily into
some merchant vessel: I must not expose myself to
the suspicion of having connived at my being
prevented from going. I must make for Sicily. If I
once get there, I shall then have a greater step
in my power. If things would only go as they
should in Spain! However, I only hope the news
about Sicily may prove true: but as yet we have
had no luck. The Sicilians are said to have
rallied round Cato, to have begged him to hold
out, making all manner of promises. Affected by
this, he is said to have begun holding a levy.
2 I don't believe it, however
distinguished the authority! I am aware that this
province was at least capable of being held.
However, we shall presently have news from Spain.
We have C. Marcellus here, who is entertaining the
same thoughts as myself, either sincerely, or
making a good pretence of doing so. I have not,
however, seen him personally, but have been told
this by one of his most intimate friends. Pray
send me any news you have: if I take any active
step, I will at once let you know. I will treat
young Quintus with more strictness. Would that I
could do any good! However, pray some time or
other tear up the letters in which I have written
about him in a tone of severity, for fear of
anything getting out at any time. I will do the
same with yours. I am
still waiting for Servius, 3 nor do
I hear anything satisfactory from him. You shall
know whatever does occur. Without doubt I must
confess to having made a mistake. For the first
time? Or on one subject? Nay, the more deeply I
have reflected on a thing, the more unwisely has
its execution invariably been. But “The past
is past: though grieved, I'll let it be.”
4 Let us only take care not to come to grief
in the future. Well, you bid me make
provision for my journey. What am I to provide?
The possible accidents cover so wide a field,
that, if I shrink from them, I must remain
stationary with dishonour and sorrow; if I pay no
heed to them, there is danger of my falling into
the hands of unprincipled men. Only see in what a
miserable position I am! At times I think that I
should absolutely desire to receive some injury,
however mortifying, from the Caesarians, to
convince people that I have become an object of
hatred to the tyrant. But if the voyage, on which
I set my hopes, had been open to me, I would have
certainly effected something, as you wish and
advise, to justify my delay. But the closeness of
the watch set upon me is surprising, and even
Curio himself is an object of suspicion. So the
two alternatives are to take the high hand, or to
act secretly. If the former, I must have
favourable weather. The latter means concealment
from those men: 5 and if any contretemps occurs in
doing that, you must see in what an undignified
position I shall be. I am at the mercy of
circumstances, and must not shrink from a somewhat
bold course. I often think of Caelius, 6 and, if ever I have the like
opportunity, I will not let it slip. I hope Spain
is safe. The action of the Massilians is at once
glorious in itself, and a proof to me that things
are going well in Spain. They would not have been
so bold, if it had been otherwise: and they would
be sure to know, for they are close at hand as
well as careful. 7 Again, I am glad of
your remark as to the popular dislike expressed in
the theatre. Even these legions, which he took
over in Italy, I can see are very
much disaffected to him. However, he has no worse
enemy than himself. I quite agree with your dread
that he may run amuck. If he once feels desperate,
he certainly will do so. All the more reason for
effecting something in the spirit (and, I hope,
with better fortune) of Caelius. But one thing at
a time: whatever it may be, you shall at once know
all about it. I will furnish young Quintus with
supplies, as you request, and will undertake the
Arcadian task, or the whole Peloponnesus, if you
like. 8 Yes: he has ability, if he had
but character. 9 .
.. And if he hasn't any as yet, he may acquire it,
or virtue is not teachable, 10 which I cannot be persuaded to believe.
CUMAE, 5 MAY
